What Do I know of Holy?

"If You touched my face would I know You?

Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be 

The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees"

This song brings me to tears

"I guess I thought that I had You figured out

I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about

 How You were mighty to save

Those were only empty words on a page

Then i caught a glimpse of who You might be 

The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees"

I grew up in church- I was there multiple times a week

I went to a Christian school 

I went to Bible college

I know a lot of Bible

I have sought to know God 

Even as a child, I read my bible and had a "quiet time" with God

I desperately and sincerely wanted to know and please God

As a young teen, l found the verse- Psalm 27:4-the desire of my heart 

One thing have I desired of the Lord that will I seek after,
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
to behold the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple.

I have sought him and sought Him. I tried so hard. Spent time in His word and prayer and in some ways I knew Him. But it was only with parts and pieces of my heart. 
Much got in the way of really knowing Him. Much was so mixed up.

Lately I find myself asking- How did I miss it? How did I miss Him? 
How did I have it wrong for so long?

Oh I have most of the "Big Doctrines" right. I can give many "right answers."

But so many things were taught to me wrong. 

So much was misapplied.

As a child, your impressions of God are often formed by the adults in your life. By those who teach you of God. When that is harmful, much about Jesus is confused.

And so maybe what was the most damaging-Who He is in relation to me?...Who He is in the quiet moments of my soul? How do His eyes see me? Are they angry? I see angry.

I feel "quick! hide! cover!" because in trouble is about to come. I am afraid. Very very afraid. Afraid I will "get it wrong." "ruin things." Afraid I am bad. Afraid He must not or could not want me. 
 And so much more. 

So many verses lead me to confusion. Church, Scripture, 
God related things can trigger a trauma response.

Parts of me-my heart, my brain have been locked down, shut down for so long.

He brought this to my attention months ago, and He keeps revealing more of it to me-
helping me to see more and understand more.

He is helping me begin to open those places of my heart, to remember, to see, to understand, and to replace those lies with His gentle, loving truth. 

He whispers "This is important. I want to heal you. I love you that much. I don't want you to be afraid anymore. I want you to have full, abundant life in relationship with Me-knowing My love for you and loving Me back. I want to set you free. There are reasons, and it doesn't have to be like this forever"

But oh the shame. "If they only knew how I really struggle"

And the grief and sadness. My heart is broken at how much I have missed.

 That what was given and impressed on me from young was so wrong. 

My heart breaks for the little girl me who is confused and scared of Jesus. 

In church one Wednesday, our Pastor read from Nehemiah 8. The people of Israel hear God's word and they begin to weep. They were broken that they had missed it and gotten it wrong for so long. They started to mourn, but God stopped them and said to throw a party instead. His love and truth were here now. He had come to rescue them. He didn't condemn them-He lavished grace and love on them, and in His faithfulness He gave them truth. He revealed Himself to them. He met them right where they were. 

I was reading the book "A Place of Quiet Rest." The author shares the story of Moses. When God appeared to him at the burning bush, Moses is terrified of God. But the Lord reveals Himself to Moses-His compassionate heart, that He has seen his people and is coming to free them. 
He is going to use Moses.

God knew where Moses was. He revealed Himself, and He strengthened Moses. He didn't expect him to have it all figured out, but invited Moses to see Him, to enter into a journey with Him, and over time God revealed Himself more and more. Eventually Moses stepped into the cloud of God's presence, and Moses spoke with God "face to face." Moses grew from terror to great intimacy with God-intimacy in a way few others have experienced.

How encouraged my heart was! 

My daughter I see you.

 I know your hurt and confusion and fear, 

but you don't have to be afraid anymore.

 I am here. I have come for you.

What if we dare to believe it's true? That He's not what we thought. 

He is who He says He is, and He loves me like crazy. 

What would that change?

I have only stood at the shores

I have only a glimpse of who He might be, 

but it is bringing me to my knees in awe.

What do I know of Holy?

"I will give them a heart to know Me, for I am the LORD; 

and they will be My people, and I will be their God,

 for they will return to Me with their whole heart."      

Jeremiah 24:7